Never a Better Time than Now

I was talking to my mother's boyfriend during the holidays and our conversation turned, as it usually does, to how much we care about my mother and all the things we wished could be different for her. He remarked on this, saying that he wants things to stop piling on her, for the challenges to end.

The only thing I could say back was, "They won't. Life doesn't stop being heavy. But the trials we go through change and that is something to be thankful for."

I'm aware that that reeks of pessimism and even a little ingratitude. That's not how I mean it. I am fully aware of and grateful to my Heavenly Father for carrying me through the things I have faced. It is the strength that I've received from Him that gives me the courage to say, and believe, that "it doesn't have to be okay." To me, happiness is facing adversity without resentment.

Lately I've been getting strongly prompted that there is something more I need to be doing. My immediate response was panic (please God do not send me on a mission!) and confusion (you already made me change my major, so what now?). It is as if my spirit had been contained in a comparatively large bucket, filled to the brim. Then God stole my bucket and emptied it into a giant vat and said "Here, fill this one now".

(That is to say, my testimony hasn't been diminished. Its capacity has just rapidly expanded.)

After much prayer, scripture study, and a priesthood blessing, I've been pointed in the direction I'm supposed to go in.

Now, this is not a direction I am opposed to on principle. I have been promised and even desire to get there...someday. It is just that my life right now is so hectic, I pushed it to a lower priority. I'm trying to cram a full-time job's worth of duties into the hours between my ten very involved classes, in addition to some precious social and spiritual commitments. The thing I'm being asked to do, despite its "impact on the rest of my life and my children's lives", just hasn't seemed to fit in yet.

Here's where a mind-crush of mine, Soren Kierkegaard, comes in:

"The matter is quite simple. The bible is very easy to understand...We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obliged to act accordingly. Take any words in the New Testament and forget everything except pledging yourself to act accordingly. My God, you will say, if I do that my whole life will be ruined...Dreadful it is to fall into the hands of the living God.”

(Seriously, who doesn't love the brilliant snarkiness of the man?)

There is never a perfect time for things. Life goes through heavy and light moments but I can't live waiting for it to be "light enough". Light or heavy becomes irrelevant when compared with the true state of circumstances: that the choice is not "now or later" but rather "do or do not". I've been given direction and, as with any revelation from God, I am responsible for acting on it from the moment I received it, regardless of what else is filling my time.

Working in God's time table doesn't always mean waiting patiently for things hoped for in the future. sometimes it means getting off my pockets and doing what He wants me to, even if it is sooner than I'd like. Even if it's right now.

Things I Know Nothing About: Love Edition

Disclaimer: I've never been in love.

But if I was, this is the kind of love I would want. Honest love that sees all the faults and says "Screw it, it's beautiful anyway."



If you can love my growing gut
My rotting teeth and graying hair
Then I can guarantee I'll do the same
As long as you can bare

And you won't love me every day
And suffer many a display



I'd love to be your redemption,
But I am just a man,
I may never be a hero.
But I'm a rock you can lean on.

If I don't love you like you deserve;
If I don't stop every tear you're cryin';
If I don't make your life,
A Heaven on this earth,
I'll die tryin'.

A Turn of the Gear

UN TOUR DE MANEGE from alexis liddell on Vimeo.

Because we've all felt like this.

Letters I Never Sent: The Replacement Edition

Dear New Student Teacher,

Thanks for letting me stop by the classroom today. I was at the elementary school for an unrelated lecture and couldn't resist looking in on my old class. I know it was a little chaotic when all the kids were storming over and creating the friendliest mob I've ever had the opportunity to be hug-tackled by. But I appreciated it more than you can know (yet).

I want you to know that you have an amazing group of kids in there. They are sweet, brilliant little people and I am so proud of everything they are accomplishing. I know they might seem challenging at first. You've got a lot of behavior management and language issues to work with and the temper tantrums can seem pretty intimidating. That's okay. There are ways to work through everything and I'm sure you'll figure them out. Don't let them see you frustrated, don't worry if you have to through your plans out the window, don't let the exhaustion they'll drive you to stop you from giving them everything you have.

And please, please don't ever underestimate them. The unresponsive kid in the corner is actually a genius; engage him. The kid that refuses to do his work is a budding artist; use that. The little girl who will drive you nuts with her Hermione-ish attitude is going through some things at home; let her tell you about them. The girl that has every answer wrong on the math tests doesn't understand place values; ignore the mandated lectures and let her work with manipulatives. The quiet boy who seems sad just needs to feel important-- dinosaurs help!

The day I left the school, I barely managed to shut my car door before I started crying. That's how much you'll miss them. They'll work their way into your thoughts and you'll wish you could go back and see how they are coming along. I was fortunate enough to get to. But you only really have a few months with them.

Do it right.

They deserve it.

Love,
The Old You

Fever Dreams: Better-than-Winnie-the-Pooh Edition

Yesterday was the last day at work for the Marrieds. The decision to leave was sudden for everyone involved. They made a tough decision and I wish them the best as they travel cross-country to a new city (just as cold as this one) and move on to the next part of their lives.

Come Monday morning I will have an office to myself again. As She-Married will be working online from her apartment, we brainstormed a couple solutions to try to circumvent our eventual death-by-solitude.

1. Conference calls regarding the very important aspects of our lives (such as the massive amount of adorable-ness that is my students and how many people in her new ward have asked her when they are going to start having kids).

2. She's getting a dog. I'm getting one of these!

Teacup Piglet!

I'm going to keep in in a teacup just like that one and carry it around in my purse like I'm Idaho's version of Paris "That's Hot" Hilton. Best of all, I have the permission of our CFO to make it our official office pet (probably because he didn't think I was serious and I told him the alternate was me sitting at the foot of his desk sharing all the things I usually just tell the Marrieds. With enthusiasm.)

All I have to do now is figure out how to get A-Boss to buy it and write off the $3400+ as "office supplies".

Letters I Never Sent: Happy Couple Edition!

Dear Newlyweds in the Row in front of Me,

You guys are cute. Really. From the first day of class I could tell that you two were in L.O.V.E. with dozens of jittery spirit children dancing around your feet in anticipation of that first great water slide, ready to be ushered through life cocooned by the loving arms of their not-quite-graduated-yet parents. How did I know?

Because you announced it.

"We just got back from our honeymoon!"

First day. First thing. And we all cared, because this is BYU and we devote actual church time to celebrating stranger's engagements ("good news minute", anyone?). We're even sincere about it (except for those girls who are secretly seething, wondering why a girl like that could get a man while she remains single. You know who you are.).

You spent the rest of the class period canoodling in the corner, eliciting "awwws" and envy from the people around you. We had a good thing going. You had your space. I had mine. PDA was more "Peripheral Displays of Affection".

So why, today, did you choose to sit directly in front, forcing the poor people behind you to witness some pretty bizarre mating rituals? Canoodling, great. Lingering eye, body scans with accompanying lecherous grins, okay, sure. I was even down with the winking, whispering, and blushing.

But why were you putting pens in your husband's ear? And why was he looking so... pleased... by it?

I'm not mocking you. This is a serious question and I legitimately want to know the answer. I googled "pen in the ear" and you know what I got back? Nothing. This is the same search engine that can bring up brain-melting porn when you type in "deep-fried Chinese fritos"*. No one else thinks it is a turn-on to have a pen shoved in their ear.

In conclusion: WTF.

Much love,
the girl behind you watching you way too closely
(Jayme)

*Unverified. Let's keep it that way.

I know you know that I'm not telling the truth

BYU won the Psych College Campus wars!

You know you're an elementary education major when:

1. You sincerely miss tests but can write a 10-page paper in under an hour.

2. You walk into a religion classroom and aren't sure whether you're feeling the spirit or if your under-stimulated hormones are just screaming "ohmygosh, TESTOSTERONE!"

3. Early morning, 10-class semesters are standard...yet you still can't fit in the guitar class you want to take.

4. Your professors are totally huggable...even when they are laughing in your face about how stressed out/poor/neurotic you are going to be for the rest of your life next few months.

5. You've been offered a free python by Miss. Frizzle.

6. On the first day, you already know the names of all the people in your class, as well as their complete dating history, family, hobbies, and what they wanted to be growing up.

7. Dot dot step slide reverse pedal pedal dot.

8. You have walked out of an institute class on account of poor teaching.

9. Your professors spend half the class period giving detailed explanations about how they taught the other half of the class period.

10. You still get excited about Book Orders.

*I am now required by law professors to write in my blog three to four times a week. Inanity is guaranteed.