On Hope

Thursday night.

I'm in crazy-hippie-man's class, being lectured on the divine power of the feminine, Jesus' resurrection, and the Kennedy assassination plot. As per usual, I have my phone out, ready to text Elly with the latest conspiracy theory quotes and Star Trek references. It lights up-- a message from my little sister:

"Mom went to the doctor and they found precancerous cells on her cervix."

She didn't know much more than that. Mom had left her phone at home and didn't respond to my texts. The router at our apartment was broken, so as soon as class ended I went to the lab and started researching. Precancerous cells are considered Stage 0 cancer and, if caught early, can be "cured" 100%. Those with Stage 0 cervical cancer have a 93% five-year survival rate. Of course, if it is someone you love, that pre-cancer is still way, way too much cancer.

I was shaken so I participated in my holy trinity of coping:
1. Pray
2. Read the scriptures
3. Eat In & Out (because nothing says "my mom has cancer" like giving yourself a sympathy heart attack).

I've since talked to my mom and she sounds nonchalant about the whole thing (though that may have to do with her access to a supply of morphine to "make things easier or speed things up"). They found the polyps at her doctor visit (her first one of the kind in 19 years) and sent them to the lab. They aren't sure if it has spread or how far it would have spread so we're playing the waiting game until the labs come back.

I feel like I'm in suspension, like I'm swimming in water and I can see the worry and panic floating above me but they haven't reached me yet. The answer to my prayers thus far has been a calming mantra in my head: "Don't worry until it is yours to worry about."

I have hope. Not in the sense of miraculous healings or things getting better. I just know that now would be a lousy time to stop trusting God. I don't know what His plan is but I know He has one and He'll give me the strength I need to get through whatever He has coming. I wish I had stronger, more unique words to say, some spectacular new lesson I've learned, but I don't. It's the same faith and trust that carried me through everything else that will carry me through this too. Vaclav Havel: "Hope is not that conviction that something will turn out well but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out."

Reflections of a Consecrated Life

Note: This is a paper I had to write reflecting on a talk given by one of the General Authorities in the most recent conference session. I'd like to preserve some of the thoughts I had and, as my class requires frequent journal writing, this is the medium I'm using. The talk I referenced can be found here.

As with most college students, the issue of what to do with my life has been one that has weighed heavily on my mind recently. I am approaching the end of my academic career, though a year-long internship will post-pone my actual graduation date, and have had cause to look hard at the things I have and have not accomplished so far. A couple years ago, it was made plain to me what my direction for life should be and the assurance that I am headed in the right direction has remained with me since then. However, other aspects of my life have been neglected out of fear and distraction. The Lord has been firm with me lately regarding what else I need to be striving for. In light of this, I chose to focus on Elder D. Todd Christofferson’s talk “Reflections on a Consecrated Life”. In it, he gave five main elements to a consecrated life: purity, work, service, respect for one’s physical body, and integrity. This paper will focus on my reflections of each as they have appeared in my life.

The first element I will discuss is purity, especially as it applies to repentance. Elder Christofferson says that true repentance involves complete submission. It is putting off the natural man and “acceptance of all the Lord may require”. While I do well keeping myself clean, it is my stubbornness that I have had cause to repent of. It has come to my attention that there are blessings that the Lord dearly wants me to have at this time, blessings that I have tried to put off in favor of other, objectively equal, paths He has also asked me to pursue. I am learning, albeit slowly, that in order to fully consecrate my life I must also give up my fears, understanding that though they may be reasonable, they are not justified. It has no place if I truly have faith in the plans God has for me.

I am taking the liberty of combining work and service into one topic, as they are closely intertwined. Elder Christofferson states that “work builds and refines character, creates beauty, and is the instrument of our service to one another and to God” (emphasis mine) and that “God has designed this mortal existence to require nearly constant exertion”. Experiences in my youth led me to believe that I must never rely on or expect help from other people, save God. Success became defined as being able to take full responsibility for myself in every aspect: financially, spiritually, romantically, and the like. In many ways, I was blessed with this liberation for I could relate full well to the thought that Elder Christofferson quoted from Elder Evans: “Life offers you two precious gifts—one is time, the other freedom of choice, the freedom to buy with your time what you will”. Thankfully, the Lord was merciful enough to give me experiences that led me to start surrendering, or consecrating, my life to Him. While the job I am seeking now is one far below my original pay grade and esteem goals, it is the daily service that is rendered from it that makes it far more satisfying than I ever expected.

The next element of consecration is respect for one’s physical body. Elder Christofferson reminds us that our bodies are temples of God and the instrument of our spirits. It should thus be treated as a creation of God, not to be defiled or abused. Like most young women, I have struggled with my physical body, even frequently treating it as an enemy. Only in the past two years have I learned to appreciate what its true purpose is: to help me perform the duties I am called to do. The inappropriate attention from others that made me fear it, the hate the I directed towards it, and the things I did to it to simultaneously punish and “improve” it were no more than tools of the enemy that prevented me from forming a united soul (body and spirit) that could be presented to the Lord to be used for His purposes.

The last element that Elder Christofferson mentions is integrity, driven from knowledge that we are accountable to God for all our doings. Though perhaps one of the most important ones, it is the element I have the least to say about as developing it is a life-long process that requires I surrender even my character to God. It is dealing with all men honestly and fairly, with compassion and honor, and is reflected in the interactions that occur daily. I do not claim perfection in this. I can only say that I will continue to move forward and pray that God will aid me.

The impression I was given while listening to and studying Elder Christofferson’s talk is that living a consecrated life involves seeking revelation about the things the Lord would have you do and then acting on the revelations you receive without fail. Work and effort are guaranteed but will be made holy through divine purpose, purpose that very often involves serving others. Respecting the physical body will make it easier to perform the tasks you are given. Integrity is required as a daily commitment and purity is necessary in order to ensure the most open lines of communication between you and your Heavenly Father. But these are all self-supporting elements; the more they are strengthened the more readily they will be sustained. My intention is to have a fully consecrated life; my actions are still moving towards it.

Never a Better Time than Now

I was talking to my mother's boyfriend during the holidays and our conversation turned, as it usually does, to how much we care about my mother and all the things we wished could be different for her. He remarked on this, saying that he wants things to stop piling on her, for the challenges to end.

The only thing I could say back was, "They won't. Life doesn't stop being heavy. But the trials we go through change and that is something to be thankful for."

I'm aware that that reeks of pessimism and even a little ingratitude. That's not how I mean it. I am fully aware of and grateful to my Heavenly Father for carrying me through the things I have faced. It is the strength that I've received from Him that gives me the courage to say, and believe, that "it doesn't have to be okay." To me, happiness is facing adversity without resentment.

Lately I've been getting strongly prompted that there is something more I need to be doing. My immediate response was panic (please God do not send me on a mission!) and confusion (you already made me change my major, so what now?). It is as if my spirit had been contained in a comparatively large bucket, filled to the brim. Then God stole my bucket and emptied it into a giant vat and said "Here, fill this one now".

(That is to say, my testimony hasn't been diminished. Its capacity has just rapidly expanded.)

After much prayer, scripture study, and a priesthood blessing, I've been pointed in the direction I'm supposed to go in.

Now, this is not a direction I am opposed to on principle. I have been promised and even desire to get there...someday. It is just that my life right now is so hectic, I pushed it to a lower priority. I'm trying to cram a full-time job's worth of duties into the hours between my ten very involved classes, in addition to some precious social and spiritual commitments. The thing I'm being asked to do, despite its "impact on the rest of my life and my children's lives", just hasn't seemed to fit in yet.

Here's where a mind-crush of mine, Soren Kierkegaard, comes in:

"The matter is quite simple. The bible is very easy to understand...We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obliged to act accordingly. Take any words in the New Testament and forget everything except pledging yourself to act accordingly. My God, you will say, if I do that my whole life will be ruined...Dreadful it is to fall into the hands of the living God.”

(Seriously, who doesn't love the brilliant snarkiness of the man?)

There is never a perfect time for things. Life goes through heavy and light moments but I can't live waiting for it to be "light enough". Light or heavy becomes irrelevant when compared with the true state of circumstances: that the choice is not "now or later" but rather "do or do not". I've been given direction and, as with any revelation from God, I am responsible for acting on it from the moment I received it, regardless of what else is filling my time.

Working in God's time table doesn't always mean waiting patiently for things hoped for in the future. sometimes it means getting off my pockets and doing what He wants me to, even if it is sooner than I'd like. Even if it's right now.

Bailey

Earlier today I had a voice-mail on my cell phone. It was a few seconds of frantic barking followed by my mother's voice saying "You're going to be alright" over and over again before it petered off into tears. The message ended there. I immediately called my mom and found out that a car had hit our dog, Bailey.

Bailey

She survived the impact but her broken rib punctured her lung. As of tonight, she's at the vet's in a little oxygen-infused enclosure, wrapped up in bandages and drugged out of her mind (though she can still find it in her to try to crawl through the petting hole and let out a constant stream of pained yips). The vet says that there isn't anything they can do except wait and see if she pulls through (about a 50/50 chance).

As I was driving back to my apartment, I kept thinking: Alright, Life. I get it. You are so much bigger and meaner than I could ever hope to be. Now please stop shitting on my face.

(I apologize for the language. My inner-self and I are still working on the cussing issue).

My little sister said, "God, if you let Bailey live, I will never do anything wrong again."

My mom said, "Good things never happen to good people."

The thing is, I don't believe that's how it works. As elementary as it is, life only consists of two types of circumstances: the ones you can control and the ones you can't. Being a good person has to be a reward on its own because it is no guarantee of anything good coming your way. I believe in blessings and I believe that our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy, but between teaching us and letting us be blissfully stagnant, we've already chosen to learn. You can control your actions and do the things that will lead to the kinds of consequences that you desire. But there is still a realm of things that may fall on you for the better or worse and where what you deserve is supplanted by what you are given.

And if that's really part of Heavenly Father's Plan, then that has to be okay. Maybe the real blessing is that sometimes, even rarely, we do get to choose, that we aren't stuck with just being acted upon, that we get even an iota of influence in the dealings in our lives. That even when things are spiraling out of control, I can look around and say "This is how this happened. A affected B and C happened and now I'm going to do D". Even if I don't understand the "why" behind it all, I have the faith to say "Okay. I'll take it and I'll work with it".

I don't need things to be better. I just need them to go forward.

"Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. . . . Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not . . . . He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. . . . Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. . . . He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, . . . we will trust in the Lord.

Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not. . . . He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not. . . . We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not, . . . we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has."
-Elder Dennis E. Simmons of the Quorum of the Seventy

Update: Bailey is fine! She's all bandaged up and is getting spoiled silly :)

Commitment before Conversion

I've had a lot of opportunities lately to reflect on my personal testimony. There are certain experiences in my life that seemed inevitable and that I dreaded because I wondered how I would react. When one of these occurred, I worried-- shouldn't I be doubting something? Shouldn't there be some nagging feeling of "what if you're wrong?" I was surprised to find my faith stood immovable. I even felt uplifted. I let it be a personal witness to myself and left it alone.

But I have recently had a lot of people ask me: "Why do you believe?"

While I would love to give a straight answer, I'm afraid that there is no satisfactory answer to give. To those of similar faith, I could say, honestly, that it is because I have felt the love of a heavenly family, and they would require no more explanation. To those without faith, no answer I could give would be satisfactory. You can no more find quantifiable proof for personal faith (a distinct idea than the existence of God) than you could for love. You can see it when it appears through others' actions, maybe even hear it professed, but it is only real when it is felt by the inquirer.

Instead, I believe we should ask "What do you believe?" and "How do you sustain that belief?".

Let's start with the first.

I believe that I am a child of a literal Father in heaven with whom I can interact with. I believe that I am on this earth of my own free will (as decided in the pre-existence). I believe that my brother, Jesus Christ, lived and died so that the rest of our family could come home. I believe that the Holy Ghost is a separate entity with whom I should strive to build a relationship with.

I believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet and that he established an inspired church. I believe that the church is organized by God and filled by faithful men who are subject to all the imperfections of humanity and exercise repentance:

"Infallibility of prophets and apostles is not, nor has it ever been, a doctrine of the Church. They are wise men, with many decades of life experience, and enjoy a special relationship with God because of their callings. While their guidance is quite valuable, God has not absolved them from the weaknesses of mortality, nor does He eliminate all errors in their understanding and judgment." - Donald L. Ashton

I believe that inspiration has come and continues to come to those outside of our faith and that this is no way invalidates what we have received. I believe that the amount of official unchangeable church doctrine is limited to the standard works (more on this later) and that having the Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants qualifies our statement of having the most truth at this time. I believe that the other inspired words of the prophets that come through General Conference and church materials are also vital tools for our use in strengthening the members. There have been times, and will continue to be times, when I have disagreed with things they have said. I have found that those times have been opportunities to strengthen my faith as well because they lead me to think about my testimony in clearer terms.

I believe that the beauty of a person is dependent on how they act and not on what church, if any, they belong to. I believe that the foundation of faith is a personal relationship with God, independent on the input of others. Men are capricious and an unsteady foundation to build upon. God is eternal.

This brings me to the second key question: How do I sustain these beliefs?

"Enough had been thought, and said, and felt, and imagined. It was about time that something should be done" - C.S. Lewis

I believe that eternal truths are unchangeable and are not influenced by our actions. Instead, men choose how to react to these truths and it is only their view of them that changes. This is equivalent to going outside on a sunny day, closing your eyes, and declaring that the sun no longer exists. My relationship to the truth is entirely dependent on what I do about it.

1. Commit

"The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference."- Elie Wiesel, Holocaust survivor and Noble Peace Prize Winner

The first step I had to take was to make a commitment to believe. There is a clear distinction between a desire to believe and a commitment. A desire implies that I would like to believe. A commitment means that I will do whatever it takes to affirm my belief.

2. Pray

I had an experience with making this commitment while I was in China. Halfway through my time there, I knew for certain that I was on the wrong career path with my chosen major. The problem was, I couldn't decide what to study instead. I had two main interests that pulled at me. One would have brought me a substantial amount of money and prestige; the other seemed to be dooming me to a life far below that which I was used to, and definitely below the acclaim that I had sought. I spent the next six months praying, reading my scriptures, researching, getting priesthood blessings, and generally begging for an answer from the Lord. I got silence in return. The elders who blessed me promised me an answer before I returned to America. Why, I wondered, was I not getting one?

The problem was, I didn't want His answer. I prayed for it, but what I really wanted was for Him to confirm what I wanted. It wasn't until I was walking down the streets of Shanghai, with less than a week left, that I finally gave in. For the first time, I prayed with the sincere intent to act on whatever He asked me to do. I received my answer that same day and the means were made available for me to fulfill my part of the bargain.

I love the quote by Walt Disney that says "A prayer, it seems to me, implies a promise as well as a request, at the highest level". If you treat your Heavenly Father as an actual Father, a personage with thoughts, feelings, and expressions of self, than prayer no longer becomes something you do TO Him. Now, when I pray, I recognize the fact that His will is independent from my own. I don't ask Him for the things I want and try to remember things I'm thankful for. I speak WITH Him, sharing my worries and hopes and gratitude and plans.

3. Act

And then I act. More than I listen, I watch and I feel. My interactions with the spirit have always centered on recognizing inspired impressions that come only when I keep moving forward. Many of these impressions are subtle and it would be a gross misunderstanding to assume that the spirit works only, or even mostly, in "warm fuzzies". He is a guide and a revelator and I have yet to reach the point where I can choose perfectly and receive only "'Good job!"s in response.

4. Read the Scriptures

I mentioned above that the scriptures are considered the official doctrine of the church. There are places to go to read about the process of accepting official doctrine and what is and is not part of it (www.staylds.com has links to resources) but the politics of it are really not why I stress this.

I was always one of those scripture readers who either read doggedly and got a mediocre amount of relevant information from it, or would flip open to a random page and hope inspiration would stare me in the face. I have learned that this is completely unrealistic and a good way to persuade yourself that the scriptures are worth far less than advertised. I had to make it part of my routine and actively think about what I was reading before I received more consistent revelation.

For me, scripture reading is important because it opens the communication lines between you and your Father. I admit freely that I don't always remember what I read 5 minutes later. But the simple act of opening the book and pondering the words opens your mind and heart to receive impressions from the Lord. Most of the time, the thoughts I remember and the things I learn have little to do with the traditional message of the passage, but they are thoughts I would not have had otherwise. Even more often, it is not any specific revelation I receive but rather the act of consistent obedience and willingness to receive revelation that sensitizes me to further impressions.

5. Acknowledge

With a spirit that works in impressions, it is easy to overlook his influence or discount past experiences. Both are equally saddening and damaging. There have been times in my life when I have (with various degrees of success) rationalized the impressions away. It is usually only by acting on them that I realize they are impressions at all.

There are also times when I recognize an impression initially and try to shoo it away as quickly as I can. A few months ago I had the feeling that I really needed to speak to a certain girl. Did I want to? No! I didn't know her and the things I felt I should say were highly personal. I put it off for a fair amount of time before sending her a message online. She ended up being very grateful for the contact. I can promise you, this is not something I would have initiated on my own.

6. Reflect

The key to spiritual experiences is not in having them. It is in recognizing them for what they are and never letting that knowledge go. In Alma 5:26 "if ye have experienced a ^achange of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the ^bsong of redeeming love, I would ask, ^ccan ye feel so now?" It is easy to reinterpret history to suit how I feel at a future time and forget or discount the beautiful things I have seen and felt. I have to be on guard to keep holy things holy and continue in faith in the witnesses I have received.

This is not a "magic" church. We have always been preached to about repentance because every man requires it. The function of the church is to help us develop individual relationships with our heavenly family, not to fit everyone into the same molds. We were created as individuals and we will be perfected as individuals, growing and learning and making mistakes and pushing forward, learning to face adversity without resentment, and to appreciate and remember the beauty and happiness inherit in the eternal act of living.



"Every noble impulse, every unselfish expression of love; every brave suffering for the right; every surrender of self to something higher than self; every loyalty to an ideal; every unselfish devotion to principle; every helpfulness to humanity; every act of self-control; every fine courage of the soul, undefeated by pretense or policy, but by being, doing, and living of good for the very good’s sake—that is spirituality."--President David O. McKay