I was talking to my mother's boyfriend during the holidays and our conversation turned, as it usually does, to how much we care about my mother and all the things we wished could be different for her. He remarked on this, saying that he wants things to stop piling on her, for the challenges to end.
The only thing I could say back was, "They won't. Life doesn't stop being heavy. But the trials we go through change and that is something to be thankful for."
I'm aware that that reeks of pessimism and even a little ingratitude. That's not how I mean it. I am fully aware of and grateful to my Heavenly Father for carrying me through the things I have faced. It is the strength that I've received from Him that gives me the courage to say, and believe, that "it doesn't have to be okay." To me, happiness is facing adversity without resentment.
Lately I've been getting strongly prompted that there is something more I need to be doing. My immediate response was panic (please God do not send me on a mission!) and confusion (you already made me change my major, so what now?). It is as if my spirit had been contained in a comparatively large bucket, filled to the brim. Then God stole my bucket and emptied it into a giant vat and said "Here, fill this one now".
(That is to say, my testimony hasn't been diminished. Its capacity has just rapidly expanded.)
After much prayer, scripture study, and a priesthood blessing, I've been pointed in the direction I'm supposed to go in.
Now, this is not a direction I am opposed to on principle. I have been promised and even desire to get there...someday. It is just that my life right now is so hectic, I pushed it to a lower priority. I'm trying to cram a full-time job's worth of duties into the hours between my ten very involved classes, in addition to some precious social and spiritual commitments. The thing I'm being asked to do, despite its "impact on the rest of my life and my children's lives", just hasn't seemed to fit in yet.
Here's where a mind-crush of mine, Soren Kierkegaard, comes in:
"The matter is quite simple. The bible is very easy to understand...We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obliged to act accordingly. Take any words in the New Testament and forget everything except pledging yourself to act accordingly. My God, you will say, if I do that my whole life will be ruined...Dreadful it is to fall into the hands of the living God.”
(Seriously, who doesn't love the brilliant snarkiness of the man?)
There is never a perfect time for things. Life goes through heavy and light moments but I can't live waiting for it to be "light enough". Light or heavy becomes irrelevant when compared with the true state of circumstances: that the choice is not "now or later" but rather "do or do not". I've been given direction and, as with any revelation from God, I am responsible for acting on it from the moment I received it, regardless of what else is filling my time.
Working in God's time table doesn't always mean waiting patiently for things hoped for in the future. sometimes it means getting off my pockets and doing what He wants me to, even if it is sooner than I'd like. Even if it's right now.
No comments:
Post a Comment