Fever Dreams: Better-than-Winnie-the-Pooh Edition

Yesterday was the last day at work for the Marrieds. The decision to leave was sudden for everyone involved. They made a tough decision and I wish them the best as they travel cross-country to a new city (just as cold as this one) and move on to the next part of their lives.

Come Monday morning I will have an office to myself again. As She-Married will be working online from her apartment, we brainstormed a couple solutions to try to circumvent our eventual death-by-solitude.

1. Conference calls regarding the very important aspects of our lives (such as the massive amount of adorable-ness that is my students and how many people in her new ward have asked her when they are going to start having kids).

2. She's getting a dog. I'm getting one of these!

Teacup Piglet!

I'm going to keep in in a teacup just like that one and carry it around in my purse like I'm Idaho's version of Paris "That's Hot" Hilton. Best of all, I have the permission of our CFO to make it our official office pet (probably because he didn't think I was serious and I told him the alternate was me sitting at the foot of his desk sharing all the things I usually just tell the Marrieds. With enthusiasm.)

All I have to do now is figure out how to get A-Boss to buy it and write off the $3400+ as "office supplies".

Letters I Never Sent: Happy Couple Edition!

Dear Newlyweds in the Row in front of Me,

You guys are cute. Really. From the first day of class I could tell that you two were in L.O.V.E. with dozens of jittery spirit children dancing around your feet in anticipation of that first great water slide, ready to be ushered through life cocooned by the loving arms of their not-quite-graduated-yet parents. How did I know?

Because you announced it.

"We just got back from our honeymoon!"

First day. First thing. And we all cared, because this is BYU and we devote actual church time to celebrating stranger's engagements ("good news minute", anyone?). We're even sincere about it (except for those girls who are secretly seething, wondering why a girl like that could get a man while she remains single. You know who you are.).

You spent the rest of the class period canoodling in the corner, eliciting "awwws" and envy from the people around you. We had a good thing going. You had your space. I had mine. PDA was more "Peripheral Displays of Affection".

So why, today, did you choose to sit directly in front, forcing the poor people behind you to witness some pretty bizarre mating rituals? Canoodling, great. Lingering eye, body scans with accompanying lecherous grins, okay, sure. I was even down with the winking, whispering, and blushing.

But why were you putting pens in your husband's ear? And why was he looking so... pleased... by it?

I'm not mocking you. This is a serious question and I legitimately want to know the answer. I googled "pen in the ear" and you know what I got back? Nothing. This is the same search engine that can bring up brain-melting porn when you type in "deep-fried Chinese fritos"*. No one else thinks it is a turn-on to have a pen shoved in their ear.

In conclusion: WTF.

Much love,
the girl behind you watching you way too closely
(Jayme)

*Unverified. Let's keep it that way.

I know you know that I'm not telling the truth

BYU won the Psych College Campus wars!

You know you're an elementary education major when:

1. You sincerely miss tests but can write a 10-page paper in under an hour.

2. You walk into a religion classroom and aren't sure whether you're feeling the spirit or if your under-stimulated hormones are just screaming "ohmygosh, TESTOSTERONE!"

3. Early morning, 10-class semesters are standard...yet you still can't fit in the guitar class you want to take.

4. Your professors are totally huggable...even when they are laughing in your face about how stressed out/poor/neurotic you are going to be for the rest of your life next few months.

5. You've been offered a free python by Miss. Frizzle.

6. On the first day, you already know the names of all the people in your class, as well as their complete dating history, family, hobbies, and what they wanted to be growing up.

7. Dot dot step slide reverse pedal pedal dot.

8. You have walked out of an institute class on account of poor teaching.

9. Your professors spend half the class period giving detailed explanations about how they taught the other half of the class period.

10. You still get excited about Book Orders.

*I am now required by law professors to write in my blog three to four times a week. Inanity is guaranteed.

Ring my doorbell! HIS doorbell will give you a rash.

"Next time I tell you I want to make everyone their Christmas presents, just grab me by the scruff of my neck, rub my nose in the dirt, and say 'NO'."

--Text from me to Elly

Nat-chan

Stitch-Witch

Mrs. David Bowie

To be continued...

Bailey

Earlier today I had a voice-mail on my cell phone. It was a few seconds of frantic barking followed by my mother's voice saying "You're going to be alright" over and over again before it petered off into tears. The message ended there. I immediately called my mom and found out that a car had hit our dog, Bailey.

Bailey

She survived the impact but her broken rib punctured her lung. As of tonight, she's at the vet's in a little oxygen-infused enclosure, wrapped up in bandages and drugged out of her mind (though she can still find it in her to try to crawl through the petting hole and let out a constant stream of pained yips). The vet says that there isn't anything they can do except wait and see if she pulls through (about a 50/50 chance).

As I was driving back to my apartment, I kept thinking: Alright, Life. I get it. You are so much bigger and meaner than I could ever hope to be. Now please stop shitting on my face.

(I apologize for the language. My inner-self and I are still working on the cussing issue).

My little sister said, "God, if you let Bailey live, I will never do anything wrong again."

My mom said, "Good things never happen to good people."

The thing is, I don't believe that's how it works. As elementary as it is, life only consists of two types of circumstances: the ones you can control and the ones you can't. Being a good person has to be a reward on its own because it is no guarantee of anything good coming your way. I believe in blessings and I believe that our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy, but between teaching us and letting us be blissfully stagnant, we've already chosen to learn. You can control your actions and do the things that will lead to the kinds of consequences that you desire. But there is still a realm of things that may fall on you for the better or worse and where what you deserve is supplanted by what you are given.

And if that's really part of Heavenly Father's Plan, then that has to be okay. Maybe the real blessing is that sometimes, even rarely, we do get to choose, that we aren't stuck with just being acted upon, that we get even an iota of influence in the dealings in our lives. That even when things are spiraling out of control, I can look around and say "This is how this happened. A affected B and C happened and now I'm going to do D". Even if I don't understand the "why" behind it all, I have the faith to say "Okay. I'll take it and I'll work with it".

I don't need things to be better. I just need them to go forward.

"Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. . . . Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not . . . . He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. . . . Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. . . . He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, . . . we will trust in the Lord.

Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not. . . . He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not. . . . We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not, . . . we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has."
-Elder Dennis E. Simmons of the Quorum of the Seventy

Update: Bailey is fine! She's all bandaged up and is getting spoiled silly :)

Bullets Dodged: 2

"Wanna buy a magazine? ...Wanna have sex?"

I love men. I do.

I love the way they smell, and when their hair is just long enough to really run my fingers through, and how they take charge, and get flustered, that no matter what size they are they are perfect for cuddling with. I love that they will never understand my mismatched fuzzy socks, how they want to fix things, how rough their hands are, and their three day face stubble. I love their deep voices and the way they act more than they talk.

I'm grateful for the amazing men in my life that show me what a real man looks like.

Because we are getting lazy. Men and women alike have cultivated so much liberty that it has grown wild, trampling over decency and respect, and breeding like bunnies to create the social evolutionary beasts of entitlement and self-importance.

This particular race of bunny is called "Youtube Comments"

It appears that some of these rabid bunnies have infected a few of the men in my area. I present to you: Bullet #2.

The salesman came into my life via my roommate, who let him in for a "glass of water" (always a ruse girls. Always.). Thinking he was a friend of hers, I wasn't weirded out when he called me beautiful and we started talking. He played the "I'm in Utah and I know what you want to hear" card and said he was talking to missionaries and wanted to be baptized. We made a few jokes, and he got down to business. He mentioned that he was selling subscriptions to magazine, my inner eyes rolled, but I let him do his thing. Then I told him no.

Stage 1: Boy. Loses. His. Mind.

He started talking about how much money he would make if we said yes, then how the program really worked, then how the college kids around here are (expletives). He started swearing and my roommate left to go back to her room.

Stage 2: Sanity travels southward.

As soon as she left, Salesman started talking again about how beautiful I am. How pretty my lips are. How much he wants to kiss them. Do I drink alcohol? Do I like black men? Have I ever been with a black man before? Am I a virgin? Can he have my number? No, really, I'm a virgin? Can he change that?

Stage 3: Boy gets booted out of the apartment.

And thank goodness he left fairly easy because I was two seconds from calling Mexules over to come help me.

Is there a lesson here? Sure. Being a salesman and asking a potential buyer for sex makes you a prostitute.

Commitment before Conversion

I've had a lot of opportunities lately to reflect on my personal testimony. There are certain experiences in my life that seemed inevitable and that I dreaded because I wondered how I would react. When one of these occurred, I worried-- shouldn't I be doubting something? Shouldn't there be some nagging feeling of "what if you're wrong?" I was surprised to find my faith stood immovable. I even felt uplifted. I let it be a personal witness to myself and left it alone.

But I have recently had a lot of people ask me: "Why do you believe?"

While I would love to give a straight answer, I'm afraid that there is no satisfactory answer to give. To those of similar faith, I could say, honestly, that it is because I have felt the love of a heavenly family, and they would require no more explanation. To those without faith, no answer I could give would be satisfactory. You can no more find quantifiable proof for personal faith (a distinct idea than the existence of God) than you could for love. You can see it when it appears through others' actions, maybe even hear it professed, but it is only real when it is felt by the inquirer.

Instead, I believe we should ask "What do you believe?" and "How do you sustain that belief?".

Let's start with the first.

I believe that I am a child of a literal Father in heaven with whom I can interact with. I believe that I am on this earth of my own free will (as decided in the pre-existence). I believe that my brother, Jesus Christ, lived and died so that the rest of our family could come home. I believe that the Holy Ghost is a separate entity with whom I should strive to build a relationship with.

I believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet and that he established an inspired church. I believe that the church is organized by God and filled by faithful men who are subject to all the imperfections of humanity and exercise repentance:

"Infallibility of prophets and apostles is not, nor has it ever been, a doctrine of the Church. They are wise men, with many decades of life experience, and enjoy a special relationship with God because of their callings. While their guidance is quite valuable, God has not absolved them from the weaknesses of mortality, nor does He eliminate all errors in their understanding and judgment." - Donald L. Ashton

I believe that inspiration has come and continues to come to those outside of our faith and that this is no way invalidates what we have received. I believe that the amount of official unchangeable church doctrine is limited to the standard works (more on this later) and that having the Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants qualifies our statement of having the most truth at this time. I believe that the other inspired words of the prophets that come through General Conference and church materials are also vital tools for our use in strengthening the members. There have been times, and will continue to be times, when I have disagreed with things they have said. I have found that those times have been opportunities to strengthen my faith as well because they lead me to think about my testimony in clearer terms.

I believe that the beauty of a person is dependent on how they act and not on what church, if any, they belong to. I believe that the foundation of faith is a personal relationship with God, independent on the input of others. Men are capricious and an unsteady foundation to build upon. God is eternal.

This brings me to the second key question: How do I sustain these beliefs?

"Enough had been thought, and said, and felt, and imagined. It was about time that something should be done" - C.S. Lewis

I believe that eternal truths are unchangeable and are not influenced by our actions. Instead, men choose how to react to these truths and it is only their view of them that changes. This is equivalent to going outside on a sunny day, closing your eyes, and declaring that the sun no longer exists. My relationship to the truth is entirely dependent on what I do about it.

1. Commit

"The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference."- Elie Wiesel, Holocaust survivor and Noble Peace Prize Winner

The first step I had to take was to make a commitment to believe. There is a clear distinction between a desire to believe and a commitment. A desire implies that I would like to believe. A commitment means that I will do whatever it takes to affirm my belief.

2. Pray

I had an experience with making this commitment while I was in China. Halfway through my time there, I knew for certain that I was on the wrong career path with my chosen major. The problem was, I couldn't decide what to study instead. I had two main interests that pulled at me. One would have brought me a substantial amount of money and prestige; the other seemed to be dooming me to a life far below that which I was used to, and definitely below the acclaim that I had sought. I spent the next six months praying, reading my scriptures, researching, getting priesthood blessings, and generally begging for an answer from the Lord. I got silence in return. The elders who blessed me promised me an answer before I returned to America. Why, I wondered, was I not getting one?

The problem was, I didn't want His answer. I prayed for it, but what I really wanted was for Him to confirm what I wanted. It wasn't until I was walking down the streets of Shanghai, with less than a week left, that I finally gave in. For the first time, I prayed with the sincere intent to act on whatever He asked me to do. I received my answer that same day and the means were made available for me to fulfill my part of the bargain.

I love the quote by Walt Disney that says "A prayer, it seems to me, implies a promise as well as a request, at the highest level". If you treat your Heavenly Father as an actual Father, a personage with thoughts, feelings, and expressions of self, than prayer no longer becomes something you do TO Him. Now, when I pray, I recognize the fact that His will is independent from my own. I don't ask Him for the things I want and try to remember things I'm thankful for. I speak WITH Him, sharing my worries and hopes and gratitude and plans.

3. Act

And then I act. More than I listen, I watch and I feel. My interactions with the spirit have always centered on recognizing inspired impressions that come only when I keep moving forward. Many of these impressions are subtle and it would be a gross misunderstanding to assume that the spirit works only, or even mostly, in "warm fuzzies". He is a guide and a revelator and I have yet to reach the point where I can choose perfectly and receive only "'Good job!"s in response.

4. Read the Scriptures

I mentioned above that the scriptures are considered the official doctrine of the church. There are places to go to read about the process of accepting official doctrine and what is and is not part of it (www.staylds.com has links to resources) but the politics of it are really not why I stress this.

I was always one of those scripture readers who either read doggedly and got a mediocre amount of relevant information from it, or would flip open to a random page and hope inspiration would stare me in the face. I have learned that this is completely unrealistic and a good way to persuade yourself that the scriptures are worth far less than advertised. I had to make it part of my routine and actively think about what I was reading before I received more consistent revelation.

For me, scripture reading is important because it opens the communication lines between you and your Father. I admit freely that I don't always remember what I read 5 minutes later. But the simple act of opening the book and pondering the words opens your mind and heart to receive impressions from the Lord. Most of the time, the thoughts I remember and the things I learn have little to do with the traditional message of the passage, but they are thoughts I would not have had otherwise. Even more often, it is not any specific revelation I receive but rather the act of consistent obedience and willingness to receive revelation that sensitizes me to further impressions.

5. Acknowledge

With a spirit that works in impressions, it is easy to overlook his influence or discount past experiences. Both are equally saddening and damaging. There have been times in my life when I have (with various degrees of success) rationalized the impressions away. It is usually only by acting on them that I realize they are impressions at all.

There are also times when I recognize an impression initially and try to shoo it away as quickly as I can. A few months ago I had the feeling that I really needed to speak to a certain girl. Did I want to? No! I didn't know her and the things I felt I should say were highly personal. I put it off for a fair amount of time before sending her a message online. She ended up being very grateful for the contact. I can promise you, this is not something I would have initiated on my own.

6. Reflect

The key to spiritual experiences is not in having them. It is in recognizing them for what they are and never letting that knowledge go. In Alma 5:26 "if ye have experienced a ^achange of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the ^bsong of redeeming love, I would ask, ^ccan ye feel so now?" It is easy to reinterpret history to suit how I feel at a future time and forget or discount the beautiful things I have seen and felt. I have to be on guard to keep holy things holy and continue in faith in the witnesses I have received.

This is not a "magic" church. We have always been preached to about repentance because every man requires it. The function of the church is to help us develop individual relationships with our heavenly family, not to fit everyone into the same molds. We were created as individuals and we will be perfected as individuals, growing and learning and making mistakes and pushing forward, learning to face adversity without resentment, and to appreciate and remember the beauty and happiness inherit in the eternal act of living.



"Every noble impulse, every unselfish expression of love; every brave suffering for the right; every surrender of self to something higher than self; every loyalty to an ideal; every unselfish devotion to principle; every helpfulness to humanity; every act of self-control; every fine courage of the soul, undefeated by pretense or policy, but by being, doing, and living of good for the very good’s sake—that is spirituality."--President David O. McKay