On Hope

Thursday night.

I'm in crazy-hippie-man's class, being lectured on the divine power of the feminine, Jesus' resurrection, and the Kennedy assassination plot. As per usual, I have my phone out, ready to text Elly with the latest conspiracy theory quotes and Star Trek references. It lights up-- a message from my little sister:

"Mom went to the doctor and they found precancerous cells on her cervix."

She didn't know much more than that. Mom had left her phone at home and didn't respond to my texts. The router at our apartment was broken, so as soon as class ended I went to the lab and started researching. Precancerous cells are considered Stage 0 cancer and, if caught early, can be "cured" 100%. Those with Stage 0 cervical cancer have a 93% five-year survival rate. Of course, if it is someone you love, that pre-cancer is still way, way too much cancer.

I was shaken so I participated in my holy trinity of coping:
1. Pray
2. Read the scriptures
3. Eat In & Out (because nothing says "my mom has cancer" like giving yourself a sympathy heart attack).

I've since talked to my mom and she sounds nonchalant about the whole thing (though that may have to do with her access to a supply of morphine to "make things easier or speed things up"). They found the polyps at her doctor visit (her first one of the kind in 19 years) and sent them to the lab. They aren't sure if it has spread or how far it would have spread so we're playing the waiting game until the labs come back.

I feel like I'm in suspension, like I'm swimming in water and I can see the worry and panic floating above me but they haven't reached me yet. The answer to my prayers thus far has been a calming mantra in my head: "Don't worry until it is yours to worry about."

I have hope. Not in the sense of miraculous healings or things getting better. I just know that now would be a lousy time to stop trusting God. I don't know what His plan is but I know He has one and He'll give me the strength I need to get through whatever He has coming. I wish I had stronger, more unique words to say, some spectacular new lesson I've learned, but I don't. It's the same faith and trust that carried me through everything else that will carry me through this too. Vaclav Havel: "Hope is not that conviction that something will turn out well but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out."