Definition of a Date

Between the two of us, Elly and I cover a wide spectrum of the dating world when it comes to the guys who approach us. We picked up on the fact that dating around here could use some improvement. We have plans to fix it, but until that gets off the ground (only a year into the brainstorming process!) I wanted to rant about address some of the issues that I have run into most recently.

Most importantly: some guys seem to be forgetting how to ask a girl out.

Now, if your intention is to be friends with a girl, kudos to you (unless you are one of those "nice guys" who try to backdoor their way into a relationship by becoming a bestest friend forever first and then whining when she only sees you as exactly that). But if you want more than that, cut the crap and ask her out in a way that she will know, without a doubt, that you intend to take her on a date.



Elder Oaks mentioned in a fireside that there were three P's of dating. I'm going to piggyback off him and then add one more of my own.

1. Planned Ahead

Here's the thing guys....

Unless I hear the word "date", I'm probably not going to consider it one. The exception is the implied "date" in the words "I'd like to take you to..."

Know what we are doing! And let me know at least a day in advance via actual conversation (not a text). In a recent informal poll taken at every girl's night ever, it was determined that one of the biggest turnoffs during the first few dates are the words "So what do you want to do/ where do you want to go?"

For one, we like to know what we should wear. I'm a high heels girl and I need to know if we are going somewhere that would require a lot of walking so I can hunt down some flats. More importantly, it shows us that you cared enough to put thought into the evening. A date, especially a first date, shouldn't involve spectacular displays or the pressure for commitment, but it should involve thought.

2. Picked-up

I used to tell myself that I really didn't care if I guy picked me up, especially if we were going somewhere closer to his place than mine. But I soon noticed that the guys who were willing to just meet me there were the ones who were lazy in other areas as well. Now I have a strict no-drive, no-date policy that helps me weed out the lazy ones. If he doesn't think I'm worth the drive, I don't think he's worth the date. Once things are more established between us, I'm happy to spend time behind the wheel to see him.

Show the girl the courtesy of picking her up.

3. Paid For

Touchy subject and one that varies depending on the person. I'm a firm believer that whoever asks, pays. Show the girl that she's more than just a convenient piece of estrogen and follow-through with the date you arranged. Down the road, she'll do the same.

4. Privacy

Can I add a fourth one here? Privacy. I'm not talking about alone-at-the-apartment-in-the-dark privacy. I mean showing the girl the courtesy of being on a date with her and only her. Dating is not a spectator sport and you should not be bringing along a panel of judges friends. I should not feel like a contestant on American Idol when I'm with you. Nothing about our date should bring to mind Ruben Studdard comparisons.

Make me feel like the one on the right and I will turn into the one on the left.

Lately, I've noticed that more and more guys I go out with want to immediately introduce me to their friends. Now, I'm not against getting to know a guy's friends. I've stayed friends with almost every guy I have ever been involved with and one of the best parts was that I also got to stay friends with the people I met through them. I even love meeting their new girlfriend or spouse and seeing what type of girl was right for them. But if every date we went on included their friends in some way, you can be sure that I wouldn't have stuck around long enough to get to know any of them. Let me explain.

Part of beginning to date someone, and a part the I struggle with, is being vulnerable to someone you really have no reason to trust yet. If most of our dates involve your buddies, you aren't going to see the parts of me that I would have shown you otherwise. Whatever feelings I might start to have for you are incentive for me to start opening up to you. I don't have any of those feelings for your friends. They might seem like a safety net to you, a group of people to validate your choice or give you a fall-back in case I turn out to be boring. But to me, they are an audience that I don't necessarily want to preform for. Their presence is going to influence what we talk about, what we don't talk about, and how I act around you.

Essentially, if we are hanging out with your friends, we are hanging out. You are friend-zoning yourself by not putting us in situations (read: taking me on dates) that would promote the kind of intimacy that leads to actual dating.

Do I want to meet your friends? Yes, eventually.

Do I want them to like me? Yes.

But I want you to like me, to get to know me, first.