Letters I Never Sent: Happy Couple Edition!

Dear Newlyweds in the Row in front of Me,

You guys are cute. Really. From the first day of class I could tell that you two were in L.O.V.E. with dozens of jittery spirit children dancing around your feet in anticipation of that first great water slide, ready to be ushered through life cocooned by the loving arms of their not-quite-graduated-yet parents. How did I know?

Because you announced it.

"We just got back from our honeymoon!"

First day. First thing. And we all cared, because this is BYU and we devote actual church time to celebrating stranger's engagements ("good news minute", anyone?). We're even sincere about it (except for those girls who are secretly seething, wondering why a girl like that could get a man while she remains single. You know who you are.).

You spent the rest of the class period canoodling in the corner, eliciting "awwws" and envy from the people around you. We had a good thing going. You had your space. I had mine. PDA was more "Peripheral Displays of Affection".

So why, today, did you choose to sit directly in front, forcing the poor people behind you to witness some pretty bizarre mating rituals? Canoodling, great. Lingering eye, body scans with accompanying lecherous grins, okay, sure. I was even down with the winking, whispering, and blushing.

But why were you putting pens in your husband's ear? And why was he looking so... pleased... by it?

I'm not mocking you. This is a serious question and I legitimately want to know the answer. I googled "pen in the ear" and you know what I got back? Nothing. This is the same search engine that can bring up brain-melting porn when you type in "deep-fried Chinese fritos"*. No one else thinks it is a turn-on to have a pen shoved in their ear.

In conclusion: WTF.

Much love,
the girl behind you watching you way too closely
(Jayme)

*Unverified. Let's keep it that way.