I've had a lot of opportunities lately to reflect on my personal testimony. There are certain experiences in my life that seemed inevitable and that I dreaded because I wondered how I would react. When one of these occurred, I worried-- shouldn't I be doubting something? Shouldn't there be some nagging feeling of "what if you're wrong?" I was surprised to find my faith stood immovable. I even felt uplifted. I let it be a personal witness to myself and left it alone.
But I have recently had a lot of people ask me: "Why do you believe?"
While I would love to give a straight answer, I'm afraid that there is no satisfactory answer to give. To those of similar faith, I could say, honestly, that it is because I have felt the love of a heavenly family, and they would require no more explanation. To those without faith, no answer I could give would be satisfactory. You can no more find quantifiable proof for personal faith (a distinct idea than the existence of God) than you could for love. You can see it when it appears through others' actions, maybe even hear it professed, but it is only real when it is felt by the inquirer.
Instead, I believe we should ask "What do you believe?" and "How do you sustain that belief?".
Let's start with the first.
I believe that I am a child of a literal Father in heaven with whom I can interact with. I believe that I am on this earth of my own free will (as decided in the pre-existence). I believe that my brother, Jesus Christ, lived and died so that the rest of our family could come home. I believe that the Holy Ghost is a separate entity with whom I should strive to build a relationship with.
I believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet and that he established an inspired church. I believe that the church is organized by God and filled by faithful men who are subject to all the imperfections of humanity and exercise repentance:
"Infallibility of prophets and apostles is not, nor has it ever been, a doctrine of the Church. They are wise men, with many decades of life experience, and enjoy a special relationship with God because of their callings. While their guidance is quite valuable, God has not absolved them from the weaknesses of mortality, nor does He eliminate all errors in their understanding and judgment." - Donald L. Ashton
I believe that inspiration has come and continues to come to those outside of our faith and that this is no way invalidates what we have received. I believe that the amount of official unchangeable church doctrine is limited to the standard works (more on this later) and that having the Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants qualifies our statement of having the most truth at this time. I believe that the other inspired words of the prophets that come through General Conference and church materials are also vital tools for our use in strengthening the members. There have been times, and will continue to be times, when I have disagreed with things they have said. I have found that those times have been opportunities to strengthen my faith as well because they lead me to think about my testimony in clearer terms.
I believe that the beauty of a person is dependent on how they act and not on what church, if any, they belong to. I believe that the foundation of faith is a personal relationship with God, independent on the input of others. Men are capricious and an unsteady foundation to build upon. God is eternal.
This brings me to the second key question: How do I sustain these beliefs?
"Enough had been thought, and said, and felt, and imagined. It was about time that something should be done" - C.S. Lewis
I believe that eternal truths are unchangeable and are not influenced by our actions. Instead, men choose how to react to these truths and it is only their view of them that changes. This is equivalent to going outside on a sunny day, closing your eyes, and declaring that the sun no longer exists. My relationship to the truth is entirely dependent on what I do about it.
1. Commit
"The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference."- Elie Wiesel, Holocaust survivor and Noble Peace Prize Winner
The first step I had to take was to make a commitment to believe. There is a clear distinction between a desire to believe and a commitment. A desire implies that I would like to believe. A commitment means that I will do whatever it takes to affirm my belief.
2. Pray
I had an experience with making this commitment while I was in China. Halfway through my time there, I knew for certain that I was on the wrong career path with my chosen major. The problem was, I couldn't decide what to study instead. I had two main interests that pulled at me. One would have brought me a substantial amount of money and prestige; the other seemed to be dooming me to a life far below that which I was used to, and definitely below the acclaim that I had sought. I spent the next six months praying, reading my scriptures, researching, getting priesthood blessings, and generally begging for an answer from the Lord. I got silence in return. The elders who blessed me promised me an answer before I returned to America. Why, I wondered, was I not getting one?
The problem was, I didn't want His answer. I prayed for it, but what I really wanted was for Him to confirm what I wanted. It wasn't until I was walking down the streets of Shanghai, with less than a week left, that I finally gave in. For the first time, I prayed with the sincere intent to act on whatever He asked me to do. I received my answer that same day and the means were made available for me to fulfill my part of the bargain.
I love the quote by Walt Disney that says "A prayer, it seems to me, implies a promise as well as a request, at the highest level". If you treat your Heavenly Father as an actual Father, a personage with thoughts, feelings, and expressions of self, than prayer no longer becomes something you do TO Him. Now, when I pray, I recognize the fact that His will is independent from my own. I don't ask Him for the things I want and try to remember things I'm thankful for. I speak WITH Him, sharing my worries and hopes and gratitude and plans.
3. Act
And then I act. More than I listen, I watch and I feel. My interactions with the spirit have always centered on recognizing inspired impressions that come only when I keep moving forward. Many of these impressions are subtle and it would be a gross misunderstanding to assume that the spirit works only, or even mostly, in "warm fuzzies". He is a guide and a revelator and I have yet to reach the point where I can choose perfectly and receive only "'Good job!"s in response.
4. Read the Scriptures
I mentioned above that the scriptures are considered the official doctrine of the church. There are places to go to read about the process of accepting official doctrine and what is and is not part of it (www.staylds.com has links to resources) but the politics of it are really not why I stress this.
I was always one of those scripture readers who either read doggedly and got a mediocre amount of relevant information from it, or would flip open to a random page and hope inspiration would stare me in the face. I have learned that this is completely unrealistic and a good way to persuade yourself that the scriptures are worth far less than advertised. I had to make it part of my routine and actively think about what I was reading before I received more consistent revelation.
For me, scripture reading is important because it opens the communication lines between you and your Father. I admit freely that I don't always remember what I read 5 minutes later. But the simple act of opening the book and pondering the words opens your mind and heart to receive impressions from the Lord. Most of the time, the thoughts I remember and the things I learn have little to do with the traditional message of the passage, but they are thoughts I would not have had otherwise. Even more often, it is not any specific revelation I receive but rather the act of consistent obedience and willingness to receive revelation that sensitizes me to further impressions.
5. Acknowledge
With a spirit that works in impressions, it is easy to overlook his influence or discount past experiences. Both are equally saddening and damaging. There have been times in my life when I have (with various degrees of success) rationalized the impressions away. It is usually only by acting on them that I realize they are impressions at all.
There are also times when I recognize an impression initially and try to shoo it away as quickly as I can. A few months ago I had the feeling that I really needed to speak to a certain girl. Did I want to? No! I didn't know her and the things I felt I should say were highly personal. I put it off for a fair amount of time before sending her a message online. She ended up being very grateful for the contact. I can promise you, this is not something I would have initiated on my own.
6. Reflect
The key to spiritual experiences is not in having them. It is in recognizing them for what they are and never letting that knowledge go. In Alma 5:26 "if ye have experienced a achange of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the bsong of redeeming love, I would ask, ccan ye feel so now?" It is easy to reinterpret history to suit how I feel at a future time and forget or discount the beautiful things I have seen and felt. I have to be on guard to keep holy things holy and continue in faith in the witnesses I have received.
This is not a "magic" church. We have always been preached to about repentance because every man requires it. The function of the church is to help us develop individual relationships with our heavenly family, not to fit everyone into the same molds. We were created as individuals and we will be perfected as individuals, growing and learning and making mistakes and pushing forward, learning to face adversity without resentment, and to appreciate and remember the beauty and happiness inherit in the eternal act of living.
"Every noble impulse, every unselfish expression of love; every brave suffering for the right; every surrender of self to something higher than self; every loyalty to an ideal; every unselfish devotion to principle; every helpfulness to humanity; every act of self-control; every fine courage of the soul, undefeated by pretense or policy, but by being, doing, and living of good for the very good’s sake—that is spirituality."--President David O. McKay
